Game of Thrones Review: Season 7 Episode 5
After I finished watching this weeks episode of Game of Thrones, I had to sit down for a minute (well, I was already sitting down) and think about what I just watched. There was just so much stuff that happened in this episode that it was hard to get my mind around it. When the episode was over, I asked myself "what was that episode about?" and I had no answer because so much stuff happened that there wasn't really one moment that stood out as the climax.
Look, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Was this the best, most memorable and exciting episode of GOT ever? No. It was, however, a solid, story building episode. In order to have big, emotional payoff, you have to give the show time to get all their ducks into a row (or dragons into a row). So, you'd better buckle up for a long review because we have a LOT of things to discuss.
The episode begins with the most improbable thing to happen on Game of Thrones for a while: Jaime survives. This makes absolutely no sense because he goes into deep water wearing at least one hundred pounds of armor. IRL he would have drowned in approximately 15 seconds. At the end of last episode, I didn't really think that Jaime was going to die (he's far too important a character to die in such a random, unimportant way), but I thought the show runners would come up with a more logical way to save his life.
There was no logic here. None. How did Bronn and Jaime manage to doggie paddle approximately a mile down river (1) without anyone seeing them and while (2) Jaime is encased in one hundred pounds of metal? I'm sorry, I just don't see it happening. Anyway. I'm happy that Jaime is alive, so I've decided to let it go. I just want the internet to know that I take umbrage with all of this.
On the other hand, it's good to know that Bronn still has his priorities in order. The only reason that he's still on Team Lannister is that they haven't given him a castle yet. I feel you, Bronn. If someone owed me a castle, I'd want to make sure that they survived long enough to give it to me too.
Next, we return to the battle field where Daenerys gives a (stirring?) speech about how she's going to make the world a better place and break the wheel and all that jazz. I don't know how we--as viewers--were supposed to react to that speech, but, if we were supposed to feel uplifted, the show runners seriously misjudged. It seems a little extremely ironic for Daenerys to go around making speeches about how she isn't here to murder people as she stands on a field strewn with the ashes of her slain enemies. Like, I get why she had to do it. It doesn't look good to roll in with "bend the knee or DIE! Death by dragon it shall be!" You have to do the whole cake or death routine. And, of course, all of the Lannister soldiers want cake. All I'm saying is that Dany is laying the irony on a little thick.
One person who is not interested in cake is Randyll Tarly, who is seconded by his dull-but-well-meaning son Dickon. If you don't choose cake, your choice is "or death," which means you get incinerated by a dragon. Well, Dany's house motto isn't "Fire and Blood" for nothing.
Next, we zoom over to King's Landing, where Cersei appears to be wearing a human sized over mitt. Like, I don't know if you can tell, but I am not in favor of Cersei's fashion choices this season. Anyway, Cersei seems to be struggling to comprehend that you can't fight against a dragon. She's all like "oh we'll get mercenaries," never mind that pitting pen with broad swords against a full grown dragon is like going up against nukes with hand guns: totally ineffectual. Cersei's not as smart as she thinks she is, but she's not dumb; however, she's being incredibly stupid when it comes to dragons. Cersei ultimately decides that she'd rather go down fighting, an idea that seems to spell doom for any dreams of a united, anti-White Walker force.
Next, we have a far more interesting scene: Jon finally gets to train his dragon! Has it occurred to anyone else that these dragons are basically large, frightening cats? They only have one human that they like and they spend the rest of their time alternatively ignoring or attacking all the other humans. That sounds like cats to me! Anyway, I loved that Drogon let Jon touch him. If we didn't have confirmation before that Jon was going to ride a dragon, we have it now.
Also, Dany was making some serious eyes at Jon in this scene. They need to kiss, climb on Drogon the dragon's back and fly off into the sunset in true, Aladdin and Jasmine "Whole New World" fashion.
Of course, Jorah had to come along and break up this lovely, romantic moment. Like, I enjoy Jorah as much as the next person, but come on! They were like three seconds away from kissing! Anyway, I have to award points to Jorah for aquiring a new cloak and some new, I-no-longer-have-greyscale swagger. I also have to award points to Jon for some serious forehead and eyebrow action when he saw Jorah and Dany hug.
In a decidedly unromantic transition, we next see Bran warg into a raven, fly north of the wall, and, surprise surprise, encounter the army of the dead marching south. There are two importnat points here (besides the fact that the zombie crisis is, somehow, even more serious than it was last week): (1) I didn't know that ravens could fly so quickly and (2) it seems very incongrous that Jon is sailing up and down the length of Westeros in a matter of hours, while it's taken the army of the dead a season and a half to amble from Hardhome to Eastwatch. Time and space have no meaning anymore.
Next, we pop down to Old Town, where the Maesters are, yet again, refusing to be helpful in anyway. They decide that (1) the White Walkers are probably just childish nonsense, (2) all of this army-of-the-dead hysteria will blow over with time, (3) Sam shouldn't be told that his father and brother are dead, and (4) even though they could *probably* save the realm, they're not going to because they don't have enough evidence yet.
Next we're back again at Dragonstone, where Peter and Varys are complaining about all the terrible bosses they've ever had. That's a game that I like to play too. But, in fairness, even the worst boss I ever had didn't burn people alive with dragon fire.
Now, bear with me: in this next scene, Tyrion, Dany, Jon, Jorah, and Davos come up with possibly the worst plan I've ever heard of. Get this: they're going to go north, capture a wight, bring it south to King's Landing, and show it to Cersei so that she'll joint the anti-White Walker task force. They're serious about this plan. This was the best they could come up with. Personally, I find this to be very disheartening. I mean, I know that Jon isn't a Rhodes Scholar, but I thought he was smarter than this! And how are they going to set up this meeting between Daenerys and Cersei? Of course! Davos will smuggle Tyrion into King's Landing. Well, nothing could possibly go wrong there.
Next, we're back in the north, where Sansa is holding some sort of town hall meeting with her lords. The main purpose of this meeting seems to be bashing Jon Snow, which seems to be the national sport of the North. Anyway, as it turns out, Arya isn't too happy about this. She would prefer to execute anyone and everyone who insults Jon. She also goes on to rebuke Sansa for "liking nice things" and thinking about what she would do if Jon didn't come home.
Let me break this down. Arya is 0% right, 100% wrong. You can't execute people for disagreeing with your decisions as a ruler. If you do that, you'll be surrounded by yes men, which is not a good option. Besides which, Jon already pardoned two northern houses that fought against him; so, I think he'd be on Sansa's side in this argument. Plus, "you always liked nice things"??? Since when did that become a crime?? Just because Sansa dresses well and has a nice bedroom she's a bad person? Jon even told her to take that bedroom last season. I'm sorry, but I don't think Arya has a leg to stand on there either.
Arya is going through that weird, teenage phase where she hates everyone and everything. The only problem is that, while most teenagers express themselves with eyeliner and metal music, Arya expresses herself by cutting people's throats. Arya, you're like 14; please sit down and let other people handle the politics.
Next, we return to King's Landing where Tyrion waltzes into the Red Keep (and no one stops him/notices him???) to meet with Jaime. Meanwhile Bronn lures Jaime down to the dungeon with a VERY flimsy excuse. They have a conversation that I don't really care about, mainly focusing on how Tyrion's dad never hugged him enough (oh yeah, and I think he touched on Jon's absolutely ridiculous plan to catch a wight and bring it to King's Landing too; although, it was mostly about Tyrion's daddy issues).
Next, we get to the meat of the episode. The best thing to happen in this episode, hands down. GENDRY IS BACK!!! I knew he would come back! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! In case you don't remember, Gendry is Robert Baratheon's illegitimate son. He's also among the 5 most attractive men in Westeros (in case you were wondering, the other four are Jon Snow, Jaime Lannister, and...well, no offense to Westerosi men, but I'll need some time to think of the other two). Anyway, I think Gendry is going to be a really important character in one way or another. Gendry is the last surviving member of house Baratheon, and, last time I checked, he and Arya had quite the romance going on. If Arya and Gendry got together, Dany and Jon would still be the most important power couple, but Arya and Gendry would be the most lethal team around. Wouldn't that be romantic?
Gendry has been hanging out in the background the whole time, making swords for the Lannisters and one GIANT hammer for himself. Yay! Westeros finally has their very own Thor. He's ready to go from the minute Davos arrives and wastes no time in braining two Gold Cloaks the second they arrive on the beach. It's official. Gendry is the character I didn't know I needed.
It looks like we'll need to pick out some pink and blue balloons for a baby shower because Cersei is pregnant! Yet another twincest baby is preparing to enter the world. Well, let me rephrase that: Cersei says that she's pregnant. A lot of other boring stuff happens in this conversation, but I'm mainly wondering about the shower gifts. We know that Jon is going to send her a wight, but what will Dany give her? Baby's first broad sword? We'll have to tune in next week to find out. I also love that, as Cersei hugs Jaime at the end of their conversation, she whispers "never betray me again." Um, excuse me, when did this show become the Godfather? Never go against the family, Jaime.
So, I know that Jaime and Cersei are crazy in love (emphasis on crazy) and Dany has got it bad for Jon Snow, but all of that is going to have to move aside for the most epic bromance of our time: Gendry and Jon. Ugh I love Gendry! He just waltzes up to Jon, introduces himself as Robert's son (which Davos specifically told him not to do, but, hey, no listens to Davos; all he ever did was live to a ripe old age), and basically asks if they can be best friends. How can you not love him???? He's like a giant puppy that also happens to be a hammer-murderer (somehow that doesn't sound as good as ax murderer).
After a very lack luster goodbye between Jon and Dany (I've been waiting seven episodes, and these two still haven't kissed), we head back up to Old Town, where we learn many important things: the number of steps in the citadel, the number of the windows in the Sept of Baelor, some stuff about poop (because there's always poop in Old Town), and, oh yeah, that Rhaegar Targaryen had an annulment. Well, that seems pretty important! Doesn't it? Hopefully someone will be able to inform Jon about all of this before he gets torn to pieces by the army of the dead! But seriously, this is actually super important because it makes Jon legitimate. That means that Jon, not Dany, is the true heir to the throne. Again, that'll be pretty important if anyone ever sits down and explains all of this to the leading characters in a way that makes them believe it's true. Anyway, Sam has apparently had it up to here with academia because he packs up his cart and his family and hits the road with a lot of stolen books from the restricted section. I'm not sure where he's going, but, the way this season is going, I'm sure he'll get there in record time.
Next, we return to the North, where Littlefinger is spying on Arya, while she spies on him. As usual Littlefinger is five billion steps ahead of everyone else. Littlefinger has set up an elaborate ruse to drive Sansa and Arya apart by planting a letter that Sansa wrote back in season 1 for Arya to find. The letter advises Robb to bend the knee to Joffrey. It's clear that Sansa wrote this letter under duress, so I'm not sure what it proves or how Arya is going to react to it, but, then again, Littlefinger is still five billion steps ahead of everybody. So, I'm sure we'll get a more complete explanation of this next week. Also, I'd like to register another complaint against Arya. You went to assassin school for like two years to walk into that trap? COME ON!
I'm now convinced that jet packs have been invented and that everyone in Westeros has one. Otherwise, how on earth would Jon have managed to get from Dragonstone to Eastwatch in less than one episode. I have to issue another resounding COME ON! Jon arrives at Eastwatch, tells Tormund his plan to catch a wight. Tormund gains major points in my book by being appropriately skeptical. On the plus side, we've now assembled a brute squad to round up a wight. Again, I want to impress on everyone what a terrible, terrible idea this is (besides being a rather convoluted wrinkle in the plot). However, if any group of seven guys could capture a wight, bring it south of the wall, and live to tell about it, it would be Jon Snow, Jorah Mormont, Gendry, Tormund Giantsbane, The Hound, Thoros of Myr, and Beric Dondarrion. I've seen a couple of nicknames for these guys online: The Magnificant Seven...Suicide Squad. I guess we'll know which nickname is more accurate next week.
Valar dohaeris
Look, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Was this the best, most memorable and exciting episode of GOT ever? No. It was, however, a solid, story building episode. In order to have big, emotional payoff, you have to give the show time to get all their ducks into a row (or dragons into a row). So, you'd better buckle up for a long review because we have a LOT of things to discuss.
The episode begins with the most improbable thing to happen on Game of Thrones for a while: Jaime survives. This makes absolutely no sense because he goes into deep water wearing at least one hundred pounds of armor. IRL he would have drowned in approximately 15 seconds. At the end of last episode, I didn't really think that Jaime was going to die (he's far too important a character to die in such a random, unimportant way), but I thought the show runners would come up with a more logical way to save his life.
There was no logic here. None. How did Bronn and Jaime manage to doggie paddle approximately a mile down river (1) without anyone seeing them and while (2) Jaime is encased in one hundred pounds of metal? I'm sorry, I just don't see it happening. Anyway. I'm happy that Jaime is alive, so I've decided to let it go. I just want the internet to know that I take umbrage with all of this.
On the other hand, it's good to know that Bronn still has his priorities in order. The only reason that he's still on Team Lannister is that they haven't given him a castle yet. I feel you, Bronn. If someone owed me a castle, I'd want to make sure that they survived long enough to give it to me too.
Next, we return to the battle field where Daenerys gives a (stirring?) speech about how she's going to make the world a better place and break the wheel and all that jazz. I don't know how we--as viewers--were supposed to react to that speech, but, if we were supposed to feel uplifted, the show runners seriously misjudged. It seems a little extremely ironic for Daenerys to go around making speeches about how she isn't here to murder people as she stands on a field strewn with the ashes of her slain enemies. Like, I get why she had to do it. It doesn't look good to roll in with "bend the knee or DIE! Death by dragon it shall be!" You have to do the whole cake or death routine. And, of course, all of the Lannister soldiers want cake. All I'm saying is that Dany is laying the irony on a little thick.
One person who is not interested in cake is Randyll Tarly, who is seconded by his dull-but-well-meaning son Dickon. If you don't choose cake, your choice is "or death," which means you get incinerated by a dragon. Well, Dany's house motto isn't "Fire and Blood" for nothing.
Next, we zoom over to King's Landing, where Cersei appears to be wearing a human sized over mitt. Like, I don't know if you can tell, but I am not in favor of Cersei's fashion choices this season. Anyway, Cersei seems to be struggling to comprehend that you can't fight against a dragon. She's all like "oh we'll get mercenaries," never mind that pitting pen with broad swords against a full grown dragon is like going up against nukes with hand guns: totally ineffectual. Cersei's not as smart as she thinks she is, but she's not dumb; however, she's being incredibly stupid when it comes to dragons. Cersei ultimately decides that she'd rather go down fighting, an idea that seems to spell doom for any dreams of a united, anti-White Walker force.
Next, we have a far more interesting scene: Jon finally gets to train his dragon! Has it occurred to anyone else that these dragons are basically large, frightening cats? They only have one human that they like and they spend the rest of their time alternatively ignoring or attacking all the other humans. That sounds like cats to me! Anyway, I loved that Drogon let Jon touch him. If we didn't have confirmation before that Jon was going to ride a dragon, we have it now.
Also, Dany was making some serious eyes at Jon in this scene. They need to kiss, climb on Drogon the dragon's back and fly off into the sunset in true, Aladdin and Jasmine "Whole New World" fashion.
Of course, Jorah had to come along and break up this lovely, romantic moment. Like, I enjoy Jorah as much as the next person, but come on! They were like three seconds away from kissing! Anyway, I have to award points to Jorah for aquiring a new cloak and some new, I-no-longer-have-greyscale swagger. I also have to award points to Jon for some serious forehead and eyebrow action when he saw Jorah and Dany hug.
In a decidedly unromantic transition, we next see Bran warg into a raven, fly north of the wall, and, surprise surprise, encounter the army of the dead marching south. There are two importnat points here (besides the fact that the zombie crisis is, somehow, even more serious than it was last week): (1) I didn't know that ravens could fly so quickly and (2) it seems very incongrous that Jon is sailing up and down the length of Westeros in a matter of hours, while it's taken the army of the dead a season and a half to amble from Hardhome to Eastwatch. Time and space have no meaning anymore.
Next, we pop down to Old Town, where the Maesters are, yet again, refusing to be helpful in anyway. They decide that (1) the White Walkers are probably just childish nonsense, (2) all of this army-of-the-dead hysteria will blow over with time, (3) Sam shouldn't be told that his father and brother are dead, and (4) even though they could *probably* save the realm, they're not going to because they don't have enough evidence yet.
Next we're back again at Dragonstone, where Peter and Varys are complaining about all the terrible bosses they've ever had. That's a game that I like to play too. But, in fairness, even the worst boss I ever had didn't burn people alive with dragon fire.
Now, bear with me: in this next scene, Tyrion, Dany, Jon, Jorah, and Davos come up with possibly the worst plan I've ever heard of. Get this: they're going to go north, capture a wight, bring it south to King's Landing, and show it to Cersei so that she'll joint the anti-White Walker task force. They're serious about this plan. This was the best they could come up with. Personally, I find this to be very disheartening. I mean, I know that Jon isn't a Rhodes Scholar, but I thought he was smarter than this! And how are they going to set up this meeting between Daenerys and Cersei? Of course! Davos will smuggle Tyrion into King's Landing. Well, nothing could possibly go wrong there.
Next, we're back in the north, where Sansa is holding some sort of town hall meeting with her lords. The main purpose of this meeting seems to be bashing Jon Snow, which seems to be the national sport of the North. Anyway, as it turns out, Arya isn't too happy about this. She would prefer to execute anyone and everyone who insults Jon. She also goes on to rebuke Sansa for "liking nice things" and thinking about what she would do if Jon didn't come home.
Let me break this down. Arya is 0% right, 100% wrong. You can't execute people for disagreeing with your decisions as a ruler. If you do that, you'll be surrounded by yes men, which is not a good option. Besides which, Jon already pardoned two northern houses that fought against him; so, I think he'd be on Sansa's side in this argument. Plus, "you always liked nice things"??? Since when did that become a crime?? Just because Sansa dresses well and has a nice bedroom she's a bad person? Jon even told her to take that bedroom last season. I'm sorry, but I don't think Arya has a leg to stand on there either.
Arya is going through that weird, teenage phase where she hates everyone and everything. The only problem is that, while most teenagers express themselves with eyeliner and metal music, Arya expresses herself by cutting people's throats. Arya, you're like 14; please sit down and let other people handle the politics.
Next, we return to King's Landing where Tyrion waltzes into the Red Keep (and no one stops him/notices him???) to meet with Jaime. Meanwhile Bronn lures Jaime down to the dungeon with a VERY flimsy excuse. They have a conversation that I don't really care about, mainly focusing on how Tyrion's dad never hugged him enough (oh yeah, and I think he touched on Jon's absolutely ridiculous plan to catch a wight and bring it to King's Landing too; although, it was mostly about Tyrion's daddy issues).
Next, we get to the meat of the episode. The best thing to happen in this episode, hands down. GENDRY IS BACK!!! I knew he would come back! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! In case you don't remember, Gendry is Robert Baratheon's illegitimate son. He's also among the 5 most attractive men in Westeros (in case you were wondering, the other four are Jon Snow, Jaime Lannister, and...well, no offense to Westerosi men, but I'll need some time to think of the other two). Anyway, I think Gendry is going to be a really important character in one way or another. Gendry is the last surviving member of house Baratheon, and, last time I checked, he and Arya had quite the romance going on. If Arya and Gendry got together, Dany and Jon would still be the most important power couple, but Arya and Gendry would be the most lethal team around. Wouldn't that be romantic?
Gendry has been hanging out in the background the whole time, making swords for the Lannisters and one GIANT hammer for himself. Yay! Westeros finally has their very own Thor. He's ready to go from the minute Davos arrives and wastes no time in braining two Gold Cloaks the second they arrive on the beach. It's official. Gendry is the character I didn't know I needed.
It looks like we'll need to pick out some pink and blue balloons for a baby shower because Cersei is pregnant! Yet another twincest baby is preparing to enter the world. Well, let me rephrase that: Cersei says that she's pregnant. A lot of other boring stuff happens in this conversation, but I'm mainly wondering about the shower gifts. We know that Jon is going to send her a wight, but what will Dany give her? Baby's first broad sword? We'll have to tune in next week to find out. I also love that, as Cersei hugs Jaime at the end of their conversation, she whispers "never betray me again." Um, excuse me, when did this show become the Godfather? Never go against the family, Jaime.
So, I know that Jaime and Cersei are crazy in love (emphasis on crazy) and Dany has got it bad for Jon Snow, but all of that is going to have to move aside for the most epic bromance of our time: Gendry and Jon. Ugh I love Gendry! He just waltzes up to Jon, introduces himself as Robert's son (which Davos specifically told him not to do, but, hey, no listens to Davos; all he ever did was live to a ripe old age), and basically asks if they can be best friends. How can you not love him???? He's like a giant puppy that also happens to be a hammer-murderer (somehow that doesn't sound as good as ax murderer).
After a very lack luster goodbye between Jon and Dany (I've been waiting seven episodes, and these two still haven't kissed), we head back up to Old Town, where we learn many important things: the number of steps in the citadel, the number of the windows in the Sept of Baelor, some stuff about poop (because there's always poop in Old Town), and, oh yeah, that Rhaegar Targaryen had an annulment. Well, that seems pretty important! Doesn't it? Hopefully someone will be able to inform Jon about all of this before he gets torn to pieces by the army of the dead! But seriously, this is actually super important because it makes Jon legitimate. That means that Jon, not Dany, is the true heir to the throne. Again, that'll be pretty important if anyone ever sits down and explains all of this to the leading characters in a way that makes them believe it's true. Anyway, Sam has apparently had it up to here with academia because he packs up his cart and his family and hits the road with a lot of stolen books from the restricted section. I'm not sure where he's going, but, the way this season is going, I'm sure he'll get there in record time.
Next, we return to the North, where Littlefinger is spying on Arya, while she spies on him. As usual Littlefinger is five billion steps ahead of everyone else. Littlefinger has set up an elaborate ruse to drive Sansa and Arya apart by planting a letter that Sansa wrote back in season 1 for Arya to find. The letter advises Robb to bend the knee to Joffrey. It's clear that Sansa wrote this letter under duress, so I'm not sure what it proves or how Arya is going to react to it, but, then again, Littlefinger is still five billion steps ahead of everybody. So, I'm sure we'll get a more complete explanation of this next week. Also, I'd like to register another complaint against Arya. You went to assassin school for like two years to walk into that trap? COME ON!
I'm now convinced that jet packs have been invented and that everyone in Westeros has one. Otherwise, how on earth would Jon have managed to get from Dragonstone to Eastwatch in less than one episode. I have to issue another resounding COME ON! Jon arrives at Eastwatch, tells Tormund his plan to catch a wight. Tormund gains major points in my book by being appropriately skeptical. On the plus side, we've now assembled a brute squad to round up a wight. Again, I want to impress on everyone what a terrible, terrible idea this is (besides being a rather convoluted wrinkle in the plot). However, if any group of seven guys could capture a wight, bring it south of the wall, and live to tell about it, it would be Jon Snow, Jorah Mormont, Gendry, Tormund Giantsbane, The Hound, Thoros of Myr, and Beric Dondarrion. I've seen a couple of nicknames for these guys online: The Magnificant Seven...Suicide Squad. I guess we'll know which nickname is more accurate next week.
Valar dohaeris
Comments
Post a Comment