Game of Thrones Review: Season 7 Episode 3
This episode was called "The Queen's Justice," but it should have been called "The Episode in which Many People are Poisoned." Seriously, there hasn't been this much poison on Game of Thrones for a while. It was like the show runners sat down and said, "what method of death haven't we used in a while? Strangling? No, we strangled someone last week. What about burning? Nah, we burned a ton of people last season. Poisoning? Ohhh, that would be very elegant."
Anyway. We have a lot of people to poison in this episode, so let's get started.
We start off with the scene everyone has been waiting for. Jon and Daenerys. Dany and Jon. The King in the North and the Dragon Queen. The Stormborn and the Bastard of Winterfell. Fire and Ice. Meeting for the very first time. *Silent Cheering*
Jon and Tyrion have a heartwarming reunion on the beach, and exchange some friendly insults ("Bastard of Winterfell" "Dwarf of Casterly Rock"). They then walk up a very, very long bridge/walkway thingy (the whole time I was thinking, "Jon must be really tired in all that heavy armor." It seems to me that Sansa could have designed him something a little more fashionable and lightweight). Speaking of Sansa, Tyrion and Jon have a nice little conversation about the Lady of Winterfell. It goes something like this: "I hear Sansa's alive." "Yeah." "That's amazing! I thought she would die back in season 2! She's smarter than she lets on." "She's starting to let on." "I never had sex with her you know." "Dude. TMI." Seriously, I loved Jon's face when he was like "I didn't ask." I don't know what Jon did to deserve everyone talking to him about having sex with his sister. Awkward.
Shout out to Drogon the Dragon, who also makes a cameo in this scene and almost takes Jon's head off in the process. Jon's look of shock is really great, especially from someone who has seen white walkers.
Finally, after probably spending hours walking along that long, bridge/path thing (couldn't they put in a moving sidewalk or something), we arrive at the throne room...and it's very awkward, and I can't decide how I feel about that. I think we all sort of expected Jon and Dany to become best friends immediately (or jump into bed together--Jon is to Westeros what the Backstreet Boys were to 90s suburban America: a heart throb). But, instead they just kind of argue. I understand that it wouldn't be realistic for them to be immediate friends, but I JUST WANT THEM TO GET ALONG!!! WHY CAN'T THEY GET ALONG??? However, there is a truly great moment when Missandei announces Daenerys as queen of the world, empress of the universe, etc, etc, and Davos--who clearly hasn't prepared for this--just says "this is Jon Snow [long, long pause] he's the King in the North." You don't say, Davos.
Anyway, the long and the short of it is that Dany doesn't really believe in the white walkers--which is not surprising--but she really cares about gaining control of the North. Jon won't bend the knee--also not surprising--so...we've reached an impasse. Personally, I don't really care about this conversation. We know that they're eventually going to work together because, otherwise, what is this series about? Right now, they're just playing hard to get, but it'll pass.
Somewhere in here, Varys and Melisandre have another conversation that I don't care about...which, in reality, is like 90% smug expressions and looks of surprise. However, we did learn that Melisandre is leaving Westeros, and I say good riddance! Melisandre has been useful now and then, but, overall, I find her kind of annoying. Melisandre is like the little boy who cried wolf, except that she's crying prince that was promised, which is a bit of a mouthful.
Anyway, next we get a quick shot of Theon, another character I don't care about. Theon has managed to survive the destruction of his sister's fleet in a very improbably manner. Seriously, one guy floating around on a piece of wood? This isn't Titanic. How did anyone find him? Anyway, skating past that rather obvious problem, it's worth noting that the Ironborn are the least effusive people anywhere on TV. On any other show, when a character is pulled out of the ocean, someone wraps them in a blanket and brings them a hot beverage. On Game of Thrones, when the Ironborn pull someone out of the ocean, their response is "if you're still alive, you didn't try hard enough." I don't care about Theon, but I feel like someone should at least have offered him some hot soup!
Next, we're off to King's Landing, where the mob is pelting aristocrats with garbage, in other words: Tuesday. To be honest, Yara is the only one I feel bad for here. She's not my favorite character, but I do respect her. I don't feel bad for Ellaria at all. She's been randomly murdering people--for virtually no reason--for like two seasons now; she can't be surprised when it catches up to her.
It turns out the Ellaria and Tyene are Cersei's gift. Take note: if you want to win a woman's heart, all you have to do is deliver two prisoners for her to torture. Piece of cake, right? Euron drags his captives into the throne room. Side note: I love that he rode his horse right into the palace; it's such a BA thing to do. He literally rode in on his high horse. Anyway, Euron seems pretty pleased with himself in this scene and turns the I'm-a-sociopathic-punk-rock-pirate charm on full blast. He hints heavily that he'd like to get into Cersei's pants, or her weird, sheath dress. And Cersei tells him that he'll get what his heart desires. That seems pretty ominous coming from Cersei; if I were Euron, I would watch my back. Euron doesn't seem to notice this though, and he cheerfully taunts Jaime about having sex with this sister, which seems to be a reoccurring theme this season.
Meanwhile, Cersei gets what her heart desires: torturing the woman who killed her daughter by killing her daughter. You have to admit that there's some nice symmetry there. From the minute the scene started, I was like "wow that pink lipgloss is not doing Cersei any favors." Seriously, it was like the only thing I could focus on in the entire scene. It was like "blah blah...death...my lipgloss is not poppin'...blah blah...torture." When Cersei finally kissed Tyene, I was like "that was a weird thing to do." It took me a whole 20 seconds to realize that Cersei had killed Tyene in exactly the same way she had killed Myrcella. Symmetry. You have to appreciate an artistic murder. What was most satisfiying however was realizing that the truly atrocious lipgloss had a purpose in the scene other than being a terrible fashion choice. By the same token, Cersei also plans to leave Ellaria in the cell with her daughter's rotting corpse until her body turns to dust. That's a little less artistic. That's just psychotic (IDK, maybe Euron and Cersei would be a good couple after all). Don't get me wrong, I don't think any of this is actually going to happen. I'm 90% certain that either Ellaria or Tyene (let's be real, probably Ellaria), is going to escape, and then Cersei is going to have to watch her back. Everybody who has ever messed with Ellaria has always got their comeuppance; although, the same could be said of Cersei.
What I'm really concerned about however is making sure that Cersei wiped all the poison off her mouth before getting busy with Jaime. I like Jaime. He deserves a better end than death by residual lip poision after making out with your sister. That doesn't seem like a very dignified way to die. Another thing I'm concerned about is that Cersei is now letting people see her and Jaime in bed together. That seems like a DISASTROUS idea. I mean I know that everyone already basically knows that they're an item, but being so brazen about it is not a good idea.
This aside, things are going pretty well for Cersei. She has an effective and very valuable alliance with the Greyjoys, she's picked off most of Dany's allies, and she's gotten revenge for her daughter's murder. Those all seem like solid things to put on your resume. Cersei rounds out her week by negotiating funding with the Iron Bank. Cersei proves that she's her father's daughter when she dryly points out that revolutionaries don't pay their debts, but Lannisters do. Well played, Cersei, well played.
Next, we're back at Dragonstone with Jon who is doing what Jon does best: brooding (as Dany later says, people enjoy what they're good at, and Jon is good at brooding); as Tyrion very astutely points out "you look a lot better brooding than I do.” Jon is upset that no one believes that the army of the dead is coming south, which, you have to admit is a tough sell. Fortunately, Tyrion--although bad at war--is pretty good at diplomacy, and manages to convince Jon to ask Daenerys for her dragonglass (AKA, obsiden, but dragonglass sounds way cooler).
Anyway, after much back and forth, Tyrion manages to convince Dany to give Jon Dragonglass mining rights. I'm not sure how he's planning to get it all back to the North, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. This whole exchange (Jon to Tyrion and Tyrion to Dany) is super awkward. As viewers, it's tough to remember that Jon and Dany haven't been watching GOT and, thus, don't know that the other person is trustworthy. It's also totally clear to see that neither Jon nor Dany is very comfortable in their current situation. Dany feels like a stranger in Westeros and is frustrated at her inability to get anything done. Jon, a man of action, seems kind of lost with nothing to do on Dragonstone. It could only be more awkward if Jon and Dany were trying to ask each other to a high school dance.
We did get a glimmer of hope, however, when Jon and Dany somehow randomly bumped into each other on that long bridge thing-y (I seriously need to think of a better name for it). Side note: this si the most improbable scene ever. Really? Dany just hangs out on this weird bridge by herself, without guards? Why was Jon walking down there? IDK, it just seems unlikely. You can tell from the way Dany looks at Jon that she's starting to crush on him. Who could blame her? I have two words to describe Jon: Heart. Throb.
Next, we get to my favorite part of the episode: Sansa kicking butt and taking names as the Lady of Winterfell (I mean, I've always loved Sansa, but especially in this episode). Sansa has come a long way from season 1, and I could not be more proud of her as a character. All of the sudden she's talking about grain supplies and putting leather on armor. She's so efficient! I love it! I feel like Sansa's theme song in this episode should be "Independent Women" by Destiny's Child.
Of course, Littlefinger has to rain on Sansa's girl power parade by giving her a super weird lecture: “Fight every battle, everywhere, always in your mind. Everyone is your enemy. Everyone is your friend. Every possible series of events is happening all at once.” Excuse me Littlefinger, but I have a strong suspicion that everything you just said is utter nonsense.
Luckily, we don't have to suffer through Littlefinger's mumbo jumbo for long because, at that exact moment, who should arrive but Bran? Now, this should be a heartwarming and emotional moment. And it would have been if Bran hadn't reacted to a loving hug from his sister like this:
At this point in the series, I'm just about ready to be done with Bran. I get it, he's had a tough few years, but so has everyone on this show (as he so lovingly points out to Sansa. Rude!!!). Being the Three Eyed Raven doesn't give Bran the right to be so inconsiderate and weird. When your idea of having a nice chat with your sister is telling her how pretty she looked before she married a crazy rapist, you need professional help ASAP. Seriously, he's completely dead behind the eyes; it doesn't even seem like he's really human at this point.
Next we check in at the Citadel where Sam has managed to completely cure Jorah. It seems like it should take a little longer than this, but hey, we're rockin' and rollin' here and we have to keep the story moving. So Jorah is off to meet up with Daenerys, and Archmaester Marywn is impressed enough with Sam to take him off soup and poop duty. So everything's coming up roses here.
On the other hand, things are not coming up roses for the Unsullied.
Dany's (attempted) invaison of Westeros is a good news, bad news situation:
The good news is that Tyrion designed the sewers at Casterly Rock, which means that the Unsullied invasion was a piece of cake, from the Unsullied's point of view. So, the Unsullied now hold Casterly Rock, which is good.
The bad news is that:
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But at least they got Casterly Rock!
Valar dohaeris
Anyway. We have a lot of people to poison in this episode, so let's get started.
We start off with the scene everyone has been waiting for. Jon and Daenerys. Dany and Jon. The King in the North and the Dragon Queen. The Stormborn and the Bastard of Winterfell. Fire and Ice. Meeting for the very first time. *Silent Cheering*
Jon and Tyrion have a heartwarming reunion on the beach, and exchange some friendly insults ("Bastard of Winterfell" "Dwarf of Casterly Rock"). They then walk up a very, very long bridge/walkway thingy (the whole time I was thinking, "Jon must be really tired in all that heavy armor." It seems to me that Sansa could have designed him something a little more fashionable and lightweight). Speaking of Sansa, Tyrion and Jon have a nice little conversation about the Lady of Winterfell. It goes something like this: "I hear Sansa's alive." "Yeah." "That's amazing! I thought she would die back in season 2! She's smarter than she lets on." "She's starting to let on." "I never had sex with her you know." "Dude. TMI." Seriously, I loved Jon's face when he was like "I didn't ask." I don't know what Jon did to deserve everyone talking to him about having sex with his sister. Awkward.
Shout out to Drogon the Dragon, who also makes a cameo in this scene and almost takes Jon's head off in the process. Jon's look of shock is really great, especially from someone who has seen white walkers.
Finally, after probably spending hours walking along that long, bridge/path thing (couldn't they put in a moving sidewalk or something), we arrive at the throne room...and it's very awkward, and I can't decide how I feel about that. I think we all sort of expected Jon and Dany to become best friends immediately (or jump into bed together--Jon is to Westeros what the Backstreet Boys were to 90s suburban America: a heart throb). But, instead they just kind of argue. I understand that it wouldn't be realistic for them to be immediate friends, but I JUST WANT THEM TO GET ALONG!!! WHY CAN'T THEY GET ALONG??? However, there is a truly great moment when Missandei announces Daenerys as queen of the world, empress of the universe, etc, etc, and Davos--who clearly hasn't prepared for this--just says "this is Jon Snow [long, long pause] he's the King in the North." You don't say, Davos.
Anyway, the long and the short of it is that Dany doesn't really believe in the white walkers--which is not surprising--but she really cares about gaining control of the North. Jon won't bend the knee--also not surprising--so...we've reached an impasse. Personally, I don't really care about this conversation. We know that they're eventually going to work together because, otherwise, what is this series about? Right now, they're just playing hard to get, but it'll pass.
Somewhere in here, Varys and Melisandre have another conversation that I don't care about...which, in reality, is like 90% smug expressions and looks of surprise. However, we did learn that Melisandre is leaving Westeros, and I say good riddance! Melisandre has been useful now and then, but, overall, I find her kind of annoying. Melisandre is like the little boy who cried wolf, except that she's crying prince that was promised, which is a bit of a mouthful.
Anyway, next we get a quick shot of Theon, another character I don't care about. Theon has managed to survive the destruction of his sister's fleet in a very improbably manner. Seriously, one guy floating around on a piece of wood? This isn't Titanic. How did anyone find him? Anyway, skating past that rather obvious problem, it's worth noting that the Ironborn are the least effusive people anywhere on TV. On any other show, when a character is pulled out of the ocean, someone wraps them in a blanket and brings them a hot beverage. On Game of Thrones, when the Ironborn pull someone out of the ocean, their response is "if you're still alive, you didn't try hard enough." I don't care about Theon, but I feel like someone should at least have offered him some hot soup!
Next, we're off to King's Landing, where the mob is pelting aristocrats with garbage, in other words: Tuesday. To be honest, Yara is the only one I feel bad for here. She's not my favorite character, but I do respect her. I don't feel bad for Ellaria at all. She's been randomly murdering people--for virtually no reason--for like two seasons now; she can't be surprised when it catches up to her.
It turns out the Ellaria and Tyene are Cersei's gift. Take note: if you want to win a woman's heart, all you have to do is deliver two prisoners for her to torture. Piece of cake, right? Euron drags his captives into the throne room. Side note: I love that he rode his horse right into the palace; it's such a BA thing to do. He literally rode in on his high horse. Anyway, Euron seems pretty pleased with himself in this scene and turns the I'm-a-sociopathic-punk-rock-pirate charm on full blast. He hints heavily that he'd like to get into Cersei's pants, or her weird, sheath dress. And Cersei tells him that he'll get what his heart desires. That seems pretty ominous coming from Cersei; if I were Euron, I would watch my back. Euron doesn't seem to notice this though, and he cheerfully taunts Jaime about having sex with this sister, which seems to be a reoccurring theme this season.
Meanwhile, Cersei gets what her heart desires: torturing the woman who killed her daughter by killing her daughter. You have to admit that there's some nice symmetry there. From the minute the scene started, I was like "wow that pink lipgloss is not doing Cersei any favors." Seriously, it was like the only thing I could focus on in the entire scene. It was like "blah blah...death...my lipgloss is not poppin'...blah blah...torture." When Cersei finally kissed Tyene, I was like "that was a weird thing to do." It took me a whole 20 seconds to realize that Cersei had killed Tyene in exactly the same way she had killed Myrcella. Symmetry. You have to appreciate an artistic murder. What was most satisfiying however was realizing that the truly atrocious lipgloss had a purpose in the scene other than being a terrible fashion choice. By the same token, Cersei also plans to leave Ellaria in the cell with her daughter's rotting corpse until her body turns to dust. That's a little less artistic. That's just psychotic (IDK, maybe Euron and Cersei would be a good couple after all). Don't get me wrong, I don't think any of this is actually going to happen. I'm 90% certain that either Ellaria or Tyene (let's be real, probably Ellaria), is going to escape, and then Cersei is going to have to watch her back. Everybody who has ever messed with Ellaria has always got their comeuppance; although, the same could be said of Cersei.
What I'm really concerned about however is making sure that Cersei wiped all the poison off her mouth before getting busy with Jaime. I like Jaime. He deserves a better end than death by residual lip poision after making out with your sister. That doesn't seem like a very dignified way to die. Another thing I'm concerned about is that Cersei is now letting people see her and Jaime in bed together. That seems like a DISASTROUS idea. I mean I know that everyone already basically knows that they're an item, but being so brazen about it is not a good idea.
This aside, things are going pretty well for Cersei. She has an effective and very valuable alliance with the Greyjoys, she's picked off most of Dany's allies, and she's gotten revenge for her daughter's murder. Those all seem like solid things to put on your resume. Cersei rounds out her week by negotiating funding with the Iron Bank. Cersei proves that she's her father's daughter when she dryly points out that revolutionaries don't pay their debts, but Lannisters do. Well played, Cersei, well played.
Next, we're back at Dragonstone with Jon who is doing what Jon does best: brooding (as Dany later says, people enjoy what they're good at, and Jon is good at brooding); as Tyrion very astutely points out "you look a lot better brooding than I do.” Jon is upset that no one believes that the army of the dead is coming south, which, you have to admit is a tough sell. Fortunately, Tyrion--although bad at war--is pretty good at diplomacy, and manages to convince Jon to ask Daenerys for her dragonglass (AKA, obsiden, but dragonglass sounds way cooler).
Anyway, after much back and forth, Tyrion manages to convince Dany to give Jon Dragonglass mining rights. I'm not sure how he's planning to get it all back to the North, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. This whole exchange (Jon to Tyrion and Tyrion to Dany) is super awkward. As viewers, it's tough to remember that Jon and Dany haven't been watching GOT and, thus, don't know that the other person is trustworthy. It's also totally clear to see that neither Jon nor Dany is very comfortable in their current situation. Dany feels like a stranger in Westeros and is frustrated at her inability to get anything done. Jon, a man of action, seems kind of lost with nothing to do on Dragonstone. It could only be more awkward if Jon and Dany were trying to ask each other to a high school dance.
We did get a glimmer of hope, however, when Jon and Dany somehow randomly bumped into each other on that long bridge thing-y (I seriously need to think of a better name for it). Side note: this si the most improbable scene ever. Really? Dany just hangs out on this weird bridge by herself, without guards? Why was Jon walking down there? IDK, it just seems unlikely. You can tell from the way Dany looks at Jon that she's starting to crush on him. Who could blame her? I have two words to describe Jon: Heart. Throb.
Next, we get to my favorite part of the episode: Sansa kicking butt and taking names as the Lady of Winterfell (I mean, I've always loved Sansa, but especially in this episode). Sansa has come a long way from season 1, and I could not be more proud of her as a character. All of the sudden she's talking about grain supplies and putting leather on armor. She's so efficient! I love it! I feel like Sansa's theme song in this episode should be "Independent Women" by Destiny's Child.
Of course, Littlefinger has to rain on Sansa's girl power parade by giving her a super weird lecture: “Fight every battle, everywhere, always in your mind. Everyone is your enemy. Everyone is your friend. Every possible series of events is happening all at once.” Excuse me Littlefinger, but I have a strong suspicion that everything you just said is utter nonsense.
Luckily, we don't have to suffer through Littlefinger's mumbo jumbo for long because, at that exact moment, who should arrive but Bran? Now, this should be a heartwarming and emotional moment. And it would have been if Bran hadn't reacted to a loving hug from his sister like this:
At this point in the series, I'm just about ready to be done with Bran. I get it, he's had a tough few years, but so has everyone on this show (as he so lovingly points out to Sansa. Rude!!!). Being the Three Eyed Raven doesn't give Bran the right to be so inconsiderate and weird. When your idea of having a nice chat with your sister is telling her how pretty she looked before she married a crazy rapist, you need professional help ASAP. Seriously, he's completely dead behind the eyes; it doesn't even seem like he's really human at this point.
Next we check in at the Citadel where Sam has managed to completely cure Jorah. It seems like it should take a little longer than this, but hey, we're rockin' and rollin' here and we have to keep the story moving. So Jorah is off to meet up with Daenerys, and Archmaester Marywn is impressed enough with Sam to take him off soup and poop duty. So everything's coming up roses here.
On the other hand, things are not coming up roses for the Unsullied.
Dany's (attempted) invaison of Westeros is a good news, bad news situation:
The good news is that Tyrion designed the sewers at Casterly Rock, which means that the Unsullied invasion was a piece of cake, from the Unsullied's point of view. So, the Unsullied now hold Casterly Rock, which is good.
The bad news is that:
- Euron torched their ships.
- They only killed like three Lannister soldiers.
- There's no food or gold at the Rock.
- Jaime took the real Lannister army to Highgarden and destroyed Dany's last remaining ally.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But at least they got Casterly Rock!
The best scene of the episode was the last, when Jaime captures Highgarden in approximately 30 seconds. I have to hand it to Cersei, she's a class A schemer and can be just as wily as Tyrion when she needs to be. I gotta say, when Jaime was walking up the stairs with "The Rains of Castemere" playing the background, I got chills! Chills!
Lady Olenna stole the episode with her death scene though. No one has ever been so cheerful while being poisoned! I loved her long description of Joffrey's death, and then her little parting jab: “Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.” UGH! I love her. I'm so sad she's dead! You could tell though that this scene destroyed Jaime. He walks out of that room looking like a bomb just went off in his face.
Anyway, I have to say that this wasn't my favorite GOT episode of life. I felt like there was a lot of set up happening, but the worst episode of GOT is still better than anything else on TV, and this was no where near the worst episode of GOT. Well done Benioff and Weiss, I enjoyed that.
Valar dohaeris
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