Game of Thrones Review: Season 7 Episode 2

The title of this episode should have been "You Win Some, You Lose Some." For example, Daenerys has a huge powerful army with half the kingdoms of Westeros on her side, you win some. However, her navy and the leaders of two of her factions were captured/killed, so you also lose some. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But seriously, THIS IS WHY I LOVE GAME OF THRONES!!! Two episodes ago, Daenerys was the most powerful person in the world. Now, she's lost two of her kingdoms, lost her navy, her plan is in shambles, and Cersei has figured out how to kill the dragons. All of a sudden, Daenerys is on the ropes and we're back to wondering who's going to end up on the Iron Throne. It might be Cersei. This is Game of Thrones; we don't know anything for certain.

Anyway, words cannot express how delighted I am that Game of Thrones is back. Episode one was good and it was satisfying, but episode two is an example of why Game of Thrones is the best show on television. So many wonderful and terrible things happened. Let's get into it:

The episode opens with Daenerys, who is channeling Justin Timberlake in the "Cry Me A River" music video, as she stares moodily into the rain. Dany laments that taking over the world isn't as fun as she thought it would be.

She vents her feelings by calling out Varys for betraying her father and plotting to have her assassinated. Although she has a good point, one can't help but feel that she should have either said that to Varys a long time ago (before she clued him in to all her plans) or kept her mouth shut. I feel like Dany and her advisers are too smart to bring someone into their inner circle before establishing if they're trust worthy. All in all, this opening seen scene made her seem like Lindsey Lohan after Mean Girls and Freaky Friday: in a downward spiral. I hate to say this, but Cersei might have been justified when she hinted that Dany might be becoming a mad queen.

She's certainly not as chipper or mentally balanced this season as she has been in the past, but she's making up for it with dramatic, new outfits (all the black contrasts nicely with her hair) and the world's biggest Risk board, AKA her giant map. I didn't know that the Westerosis invented board games.

Just when things seem to getting a little boring on Dragonstone, who should arrive but Melisandre, looking as color coordinated as ever. She full of stories about the prince(ss) who was promised and Lord-of-Light mumbo jumbo. More importantly, she tells Daenerys that Jon Snow has been crowned King in the North and is generally a neat dude. Tyrion agrees that Jon could be a valuable ally, and they invite him to come south, join them for a pizza party, and bend the knee. Well, the pizza is a little iffy, but I bet Drogon the Dragon could keep a pizza oven piping hot.

Next, we cut to Jon, who has just received his summons to Dragonstone. He seems a little concerned about this, but, then again, he always seems a little concerned about everything. I think that's just his face. Davos points out that Dany has dragons and dragons breath fire and fire kills White Walkers, which seems pretty logical.

Down in King's Landing, Cersei is doing what Cersei does best: plotting and scheming. This time, she's trying to get a coalition together to defeat Dany and her dragons (good luck to her *smirk*). The only problem is that Randyll Tarly and his son Rickon Dickon aren't convinced; although, Jaime manages to sweeten the deal by offering Randyll a generalship and a shot at Lady Olenna's old job. To be honest, I don't really care about what Cersei is doing at this point. I can almost guarantee that she's going to be eaten by a dragon in approximately 2.5 episodes.

Next, we return to the grossest place in Westeros, the Citadel, where Jorah has just been told he has six months to live by the doctor with the worst bedside manner ever. Apparently, he should have cut off his arm the moment he contracted it. Look, I don't want to be a Monday morning quarterback (I would like to point out that I used a sports metaphor correctly and everyone should be impressed), but that's totally what I've been thinking for almost two seasons. I mean, he kept talking about how he was going to die, and I was like, "wouldn't it be okay if you just amputated your hand?" I get that amputating your hand is not fun, but Jaime Lannister does okay. Plus, between my hand and my life, I would choose my life every time.

Afterwards, we return to Cersei and Qyburn, who have decided to take a stroll down memory lane: Dragon skull edition. If you thought Qyburn couldn't be any creepier, just wait until you see him surrounded by giant skulls! Anyway, Qyburn reveals that his master plan is to shoot one of the dragons with a big metal arrow. I didn't know that feature films make it to Westeros, but apparently they do because Qyburn lifted that idea straight out of The Desolation of Smaug. He then 
precedes to shoot a giant skull that's stationary and fifteen feet away. #NotImpressive. So, if they can just persuade the dragons to stand still and wait while they aim the crossbow, they'll have no problems. Also, I don't know about you, but I was super miffed that he destroyed an artifact that was a thousand years old. #NotCool Anyway, as I said, I'm not impressed. Couldn't he put the wings on the mountain or something?

We then visit the other Queen (or, as Cersei would call her, Becky with the Good Hair (it's funny because she has beautiful hair and Cersei had her head shaved)). Daenerys has gathered all the powerful women in Westeros (who run the world? Girls!). Ellaria Sand is back (eye roll), along with Yara Greyjoy and the true queen of Westeros, Olenna Tyrell. They put their heads together and decided to split up the army (big mistake) in a strategic conversation that I don't care about very much. However, Olenna Tyrell makes the episode all worth while with the best line of the episode: “I’ve known a great many clever men. I’ve outlived them all. You know why? I ignored them.”

Next, we are treated to one of the most awkward sex scenes I've ever seen between Missandei sand Grey Worm. I know lot's of people are really excited about this, and they're definitely a cute couple, but I felt embarrassed for them in this scene. It just seemed so awkward, which may have been the intention, but I still didn't like watching it. “I want to see you, please” and “You are my weakness,” come on guys, you can do better! Also, did it bother anyone else that they never closed the door? I mean, come on.

Back at the Citadel, we see Sam Tarly--who has been treated to all the most disgusting things on the show--performing one of the grossest surgeries ever on Ser Jorah. Did HBO really have to show us a man having chunks of his skin surgically removed while pus oozes everywhere?  Apparently they did, because we were treated to at least one full minute of that. On the plus side, it turns out that Greyscale is much easier to cure than we thought. Apparently, all you have to do is peel off the infected skin and rub some cream on it. Why did no one else think of that? I don't know about you, but I thought that Greyscale was a little more difficult to cure. I thought it was in your blood; I mean, I assumed you needed some serious penicillin to cure that. I mean, if it was just a skin disease, how would it affect your brain? Anyway, I'm not going to argue with Sam's medical expertise.

Next, we have the most fire transition ever. We cut from Jorah's oozing pus to pie filling. Fire, I'm telling you, it was fire. Anyway, as it turns out, Hot Pie is still alive (shockingly) and still making pies. We learn two things from Hot Pie: (1) he's a survivor (which, of course, means that he's going to die in the next episode...or maybe he'll end up on the Iron Throne, who knows?) and (2) the secret to his success: always brown the butter. Seriously, I think Hot Pie should have his own cooking show; he gives great advice. I mean, before Hot Pie came along, I was giving up on the gravy (extra points to you if you remember that line). Arya should have watched Hot Pie's cooking show too because, apparently, she forgot to brown the butter in her cannibal pie. Oops. Seriously though, Arya's line about baking pies is so punk rock! Why is Arya so punk rock all of the sudden?

Anyway, as it turns out, Hot Pie true narrative purpose is to tell Arya that her brother is alive and is the King in the North. Arya immediately dashes out the door (I would have finished the pie first, it looked yummy), and--after a tiny moment of hesitation--heads North. Finally, we're on the path to a true Stark reunion. Bran is traveling South, Arya is heading North, and Sansa and Jon are already in the North (although, not for long).

Next, we're back in the North where Jon has just learned that Dragonstone is full of dragon glass (even though Stannis already told him that like three seasons ago). Anyway, this fact convinces Jon that he needs to go South and meet the Dragon Queen (guys, I'm dying of excitement). He decides to leave Sansa in charge, which may backfire tremendously, as she's already made it pretty clear that she doesn't much like his way of doing things. Not to mention that Littlefinger (more about him in a second) is still lurking around Winterfell and will no doubt be implementing his evil plans the minute that Jon is out the door.

Lurking, it turns out, is what Littlefinger does best. He lurks his way all the way down to the crypt, where he wistfully reminisces about how hot Jon's stepmother was (um, ew), cue "Stacy's Mom" in the background. He then goes on to comment on Sansa's looks and how much he'd like to sleep with her (double ew) and remind Jon that Catelyn never liked him much. If you wanted to offend Jon, you literally could not have done a better job. Therefore, no one is surprised that Jon half chokes Littlefinger to death--which Ned also did in season 1...coincidence? I think not--and tells him that if he ever touches Sansa, he'll kill him with his own hands. Now, normally I'm not a fan of overly dramatized examples of machismo, but that was deliciously satisfying. Jon's only mistake was not killing Littlefinger. Once you threaten to kill Littlefinger, you should do it right away, or you're done for.

Next, Arya is on the road again, heading North to reunite with her family. Little does she know, she'll be reuniting with someone else first. NYMERIA IS BACK!!!! And, apparently, she's been eating well because she is now the size of a miniature horse. For a moment, it seems that Nymeria and Arya will be running into each other's arms in slow motion on a beach somewhere. However, it seems that Nymeria caught some feels and has decided to give Arya the cold shoulder instead (do wolves have shoulders? let me know in the comments).

FINALLY (guys, this was an action packed episode, and I loved it, but it was a tad bit overwhelming), we arrive at the last scene...starring some of my least favorite characters. Seriously, enough with the Greyjoys and the Sand Snakes. They're only the least interesting, least likable people in Game of Thrones. We get a quick shot of the Sand Snakes arguing about who is a better murder (snore, I seriously don't care about them at all). Next, we go upstairs, where Yara and Ellaria are hooking up (did anyone not see that coming?) in front of Yara's brother (let's put that in the category of ew; although, in a world that contains Jaime and Cersei, I can't be too grossed out).

Cue Uncle Euron, who rolls in looking like a cross between the undead crew of the Black Pearl and an Alice Cooper impersonator.  I think Euron could give the Dread Pirate Roberts a run for his money. He makes  short work of Yara's fleet, killing a few Sand Snakes in the process (which I'm 0% upset about), and taking Yara, Ellaria, and Tyene (yes, I had to look her name because I don't care about her plot at all) captive in the process. No doubt they're Cersei's gift and will be subjected to horrific torture, which is, after all, what Cersei does best. Even though I don't really care about Yara and the Sand contingent, the show runners are going to force me to feel bad for them if Cersei hands them over to the Mountain. Finally, we see Theon jump into the ocean rather than face his uncle, which was the single most intelligent thing a Greyjoy or Sand did all episode.

There are so many problems with this last scene. First of all, Yara and Theon know that Euron is out there. Did they not think he was going to come for them? If you're Yara/Theon, how do you not have some sort of contingency plan for what to do if your punk rock pirate uncle decides to attack you? Secondly, how did Euron manage to get so close without being seen? His ship is the size of a small country, how did no one see him coming until he has 12 yards away? Frustration aside, this was a hugely important scene in terms of the consequences.

Will Dany's army be decimated by the end of the season? Maybe. Keep watching Game of Thrones to find out...as if you weren't going to watch anyway.

Valar dohaeris